I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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