I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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