My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
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we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
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So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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