Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
