So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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