im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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