WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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