Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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