people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
