this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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