I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
