WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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