One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
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All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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