There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
