my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
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Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
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cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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