im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
