I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
