I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i will never coherently bang her
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She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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