and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
