I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm jealous of your bromance
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
