Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
