oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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