My first STD was from a foam party
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
