Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
