Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
