Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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