Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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