omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize