rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
