I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
