She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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