Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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