and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
