On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
