Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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