hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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