I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
