So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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