Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
