So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
