Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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