This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
