He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
