somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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