I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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