Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
