Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
