ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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