who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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