??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
