Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We named our party play list daddy issues
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
