life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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