I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
