Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
