I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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