Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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