You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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